textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Text me some of your sweat
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