i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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