he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
