i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
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No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
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Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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