I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
