well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
it's not cheating when I paid for it
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
should my penis look like a turkey
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
