I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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