A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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