This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
