TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
