My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
