Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
