I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize