I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
