Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Randomize
