Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
