When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
