Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
You're earring is so big in my mouth
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
