so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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