your parents love me but you hate me
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
