I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You should frame my arrest warrant.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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