my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
