I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
