He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
