I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
