Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
