I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
