this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
