I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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