He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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