I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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