i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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