the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
