I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
