so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
