she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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