Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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