I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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