Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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