wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
