i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
