Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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