I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
