I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
