the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
