I seem to have left my pride at pride
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
