Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i will never coherently bang her
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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