Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
