I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You should frame my arrest warrant.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
