So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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