so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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