My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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