If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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