I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
