I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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