you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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