I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
