I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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