saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
