I hate your face
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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