I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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