ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
