You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
