My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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