Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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