even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
